i'm tired... very very tired.... who is she??????????? is it really over? I hope it's true. i'm jus tryin my best to trust you... but there's no way i can stop wondering what was the conversation you guys had... one "A", one "E" and one... duno who... i've met "E" and duno who personally in just two days... damn. It's driving me nuts you know? Confusion... wAt's more... the pain i'm constantly having.... Arrr.....
sumtimes i really wonder... if one day.... if i were to suffer from Amnesia, will you be there? or you jus can't be bothered?
Sunday, March 28, 2004
Friday, March 26, 2004
who can claim to be the world's most stupid + silly girL? nobody else but me. wat ever happened today and watever i saw... and watever is still goin on now though i canot see... i can feel... i'm dying of heartache. u and her...... in front of me then me and u in front of her..... and now u wif her and i'm home. u said u will know wat to do... i'm doubtful. seeing u leave hurts more then watever aches my tummy is giving me. i still can't believe wat she told me... jus a few days back? wat were those u said to me at the staircase and under your block???????????? Super confused. i am. but wat can u do when the person u love most hurt u most? absoultely nothing.
never take my love, care, concern and trust for u for granted... everything i do, there's a reason... if really to the extend, all i can say would be... " go and do whatever that will make you happy. Go ahead. Make your decision. As long as you are happy, i'm contented."
never take my love, care, concern and trust for u for granted... everything i do, there's a reason... if really to the extend, all i can say would be... " go and do whatever that will make you happy. Go ahead. Make your decision. As long as you are happy, i'm contented."
Thursday, March 18, 2004
wat shld i say? i really duno... anything wif regards to u.. i'm really speechless... except for one thing... through your constant empty promisEs and lies, i still can't bring myself to hate u... i've tried to... but in vain. there's absolutely no way... No Way i can hate u... no matter wat u do to me... i'm jus numb. realised tat nowadays... yes i do feel irritated, annoyed... but.... no more watery eyes... is it a gd thing or is it bad? if ur come back and ur promises can't get alongside, there's no point coming back. it's kinda silly for me... i know.. but... still, i duno how... how to forget u..... how to hate u.
Went to watch the eye 2 yesterday.... aparT from the sCary sceNes tat i remembered, the sCene tat still lingers in my head is when shu qi was calling her ex... she saw him holding his phone... but chose not to answer it... simply reminds me of u... Tat was how u treated me... even up till jus now... i've jus decided to let matters rest... u told me tat u're goin to the hospital. i have nuts idea where are u now... when will u be home or rather.. when will u call me. i've called u many times and there's no answer... i'll jus see how it goes...
went for band practice yesterday... ah.. we're playing this piece called "the hustle" the music for the yellow pages ad.. i luuuRve tAt sOng~ so happy.. but then heard the news tat the concert is a shared one wif the choir simply sUX! wAt's worse, the funds collected, half will be goin to the sCh to build up the watever theatre (heard tat since i grad 3 yrs bacK!) and the otheR half is Goin tO the Choir for them tO go HawaII... WTF?? can't we hav sum to buy instruments or go for our long awaited Aus trip?? I've been waiting for that trip since 2000 and it's 2004.. aRghz... haha... care to cum watch the concert?????? tix prices ranging from 10 tO 40... hahaha.. sorry ah.. no discount leh. cum support me la... :P hehe.
it's 7 alreaDy..... i duno wat to do.. really bored.. bit slpy.. feeling weirD.. coz... i duno wat's my heart thinking.. it jus feels so nuMb..............
Went to watch the eye 2 yesterday.... aparT from the sCary sceNes tat i remembered, the sCene tat still lingers in my head is when shu qi was calling her ex... she saw him holding his phone... but chose not to answer it... simply reminds me of u... Tat was how u treated me... even up till jus now... i've jus decided to let matters rest... u told me tat u're goin to the hospital. i have nuts idea where are u now... when will u be home or rather.. when will u call me. i've called u many times and there's no answer... i'll jus see how it goes...
went for band practice yesterday... ah.. we're playing this piece called "the hustle" the music for the yellow pages ad.. i luuuRve tAt sOng~ so happy.. but then heard the news tat the concert is a shared one wif the choir simply sUX! wAt's worse, the funds collected, half will be goin to the sCh to build up the watever theatre (heard tat since i grad 3 yrs bacK!) and the otheR half is Goin tO the Choir for them tO go HawaII... WTF?? can't we hav sum to buy instruments or go for our long awaited Aus trip?? I've been waiting for that trip since 2000 and it's 2004.. aRghz... haha... care to cum watch the concert?????? tix prices ranging from 10 tO 40... hahaha.. sorry ah.. no discount leh. cum support me la... :P hehe.
it's 7 alreaDy..... i duno wat to do.. really bored.. bit slpy.. feeling weirD.. coz... i duno wat's my heart thinking.. it jus feels so nuMb..............
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
why are u coming back again? I thought it's over...? Ain't tat how things were supposed to bE? I'm goin to be in another bad state soon....
It's 3+ noon now.. you went for ur op early morning 8+. you told me tat u'll sms me when u wake up... well, i haven receive any... and... i din say anything to u either... Juz wish you all the best... I believe the op is a success... Jus hope that there wun be any after effects... even if there is, lets hope is jus temporary... take care of urself. I'll still be waiting to here ur gd news about the op.... Miss you.
HAvin MBS tutorial now.. finally mBs project is over.. now left with tat bit of presentation... Anyway, it's seetoh... haha.. hope faster end... later goin shopping~ thanks to mum dearest... or maybe.. dad... for helping me do free colour dye to my clothes... from white to red... arGH~! how horrible.. .that was wat happened to my missing in action for 2 months sweater as wELL!!! no compensation?!?! pls.. stop spoiling my clothes.. i dun have much left!
Duno where to go shop later.... maybe tampines or wat.. anywhere.... juz wan to buy a few simple tops.. and shoes.. .my bloody sandals is giving me lotsa problems... slipping... shoe stuck while driving... ERr.... had enugh... need to buy new ones...
Why is seetoh taking such a long time for one presentation????
It's 3+ noon now.. you went for ur op early morning 8+. you told me tat u'll sms me when u wake up... well, i haven receive any... and... i din say anything to u either... Juz wish you all the best... I believe the op is a success... Jus hope that there wun be any after effects... even if there is, lets hope is jus temporary... take care of urself. I'll still be waiting to here ur gd news about the op.... Miss you.
HAvin MBS tutorial now.. finally mBs project is over.. now left with tat bit of presentation... Anyway, it's seetoh... haha.. hope faster end... later goin shopping~ thanks to mum dearest... or maybe.. dad... for helping me do free colour dye to my clothes... from white to red... arGH~! how horrible.. .that was wat happened to my missing in action for 2 months sweater as wELL!!! no compensation?!?! pls.. stop spoiling my clothes.. i dun have much left!
Duno where to go shop later.... maybe tampines or wat.. anywhere.... juz wan to buy a few simple tops.. and shoes.. .my bloody sandals is giving me lotsa problems... slipping... shoe stuck while driving... ERr.... had enugh... need to buy new ones...
Why is seetoh taking such a long time for one presentation????
Saturday, March 13, 2004
Friday, March 12, 2004
i have forsaken lemonzil.blogspot.com for sum reason. goin to change blog skin. with a new blog skin and new url.. hope that everything will be better....
no other wound will hurt more then the one in the heart. it is the wound that takes the longest time to recover... sumtimes, it may not even. It all depends on oneself. I'll do my best... to recover, to forget u... forget everything about you... even if i were want to keep any memory, it'll only be fond memories.. and they'll be kept vaguely...
i gave too much.. caused myself to be in this state... but... i'll stand strong again soon.
no other wound will hurt more then the one in the heart. it is the wound that takes the longest time to recover... sumtimes, it may not even. It all depends on oneself. I'll do my best... to recover, to forget u... forget everything about you... even if i were want to keep any memory, it'll only be fond memories.. and they'll be kept vaguely...
i gave too much.. caused myself to be in this state... but... i'll stand strong again soon.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
sunday night: you came over at 10.30... i thought we're goin to be ok.. but after awhile, u said... it's over.. i made u tell the truth... you can't even look at me to say u dun love me... after that..... u said u were being stupid and almost lost sumone u love... everything's back to normal.. ? No. mon went by fine. so does tues except at night. it's another her.. "A" why are there so many uncut ties... ? i really hate it. finally settled the problem at wee hours in the morning....
wed morning: "when are you takin me to buy the "thing" i asked. you replied: "15th" i was happy... though 16 is the op. but at least u wanted to spend 15 with me... but happiness din last long. noon time, u called... then after that... when i call back, u refuse to answer again.... this time round, u even off your phones. At nite, i din give up.. but then u still refuse to answer.. and even got ur mum to answer. Pissed. called you back later.... still no answer. Msg me gd nite at 11.30 i called u back at 12... phones off again. called you early this morning the very moment i woke up.. refuse to pick up again... changed ur sim card.. i called both numbers.. still no answer.. from 7+ i called till 9... when i reached school.. what answer do i get? break-up. no reason no nothing... and u expect me to agree?
i got really upset. sitting behind at the last row of the LT, i couldn't concentrate on bus stats.... trying to control myself. silent tears did flow. but i still did manage to control. then... i decided... i really shld give up. it's hurting me way too much. ur name, ur photos, you numbers are all outta my phone. i told myself to move on... later at 12+ u called again... still refusing to give me a reason... called me when i was having lunch wif my dearest mama,adeline and jean... saying wanting me to go up to ur place to tok in the presence of ur parents... WTF? wat has this got to do with them? btw, i'm still pissed wif ur mum. she has no right to tok to me in that manner. Later at bout 2+, u msg saying that u couldn't make it tonight... then i called u back. ended up with another answer: let's take it that nothing has happen today... easy on u..
if that was the final answer, i've given u a few missed calls... if u mean wat u say, y haven u call me?
*broken+shattered*
wed morning: "when are you takin me to buy the "thing" i asked. you replied: "15th" i was happy... though 16 is the op. but at least u wanted to spend 15 with me... but happiness din last long. noon time, u called... then after that... when i call back, u refuse to answer again.... this time round, u even off your phones. At nite, i din give up.. but then u still refuse to answer.. and even got ur mum to answer. Pissed. called you back later.... still no answer. Msg me gd nite at 11.30 i called u back at 12... phones off again. called you early this morning the very moment i woke up.. refuse to pick up again... changed ur sim card.. i called both numbers.. still no answer.. from 7+ i called till 9... when i reached school.. what answer do i get? break-up. no reason no nothing... and u expect me to agree?
i got really upset. sitting behind at the last row of the LT, i couldn't concentrate on bus stats.... trying to control myself. silent tears did flow. but i still did manage to control. then... i decided... i really shld give up. it's hurting me way too much. ur name, ur photos, you numbers are all outta my phone. i told myself to move on... later at 12+ u called again... still refusing to give me a reason... called me when i was having lunch wif my dearest mama,adeline and jean... saying wanting me to go up to ur place to tok in the presence of ur parents... WTF? wat has this got to do with them? btw, i'm still pissed wif ur mum. she has no right to tok to me in that manner. Later at bout 2+, u msg saying that u couldn't make it tonight... then i called u back. ended up with another answer: let's take it that nothing has happen today... easy on u..
if that was the final answer, i've given u a few missed calls... if u mean wat u say, y haven u call me?
*broken+shattered*
Sunday, March 07, 2004
i still remember clearly wat happened this morning. wat you told me when i wanted you to make up your mind. u said you wanted me... you'll call me later... it's already 7+ in the evening now... i've waited for more then 10 hrs and my phone din even rang.
that night you told me how much u wanted to be with me... how deep is your love... all along, i wanted to tell u that.. i actually bore the same feelings... but till now i haven got the chance to... you really leave me wondering do you mean wat u say every minute every day. why can't you jus say it and then show it? alrite, u told me... to wait till u finish ns which is next month exactly, to prove to me wat u said... but can't u at least give me a call? or rather jus answer my calls? i believe that the number of missed calls on your phone for the past week had already hit 200 since i manage to hit 99 on sat... looking at your phone, seeing the number of missed calls, dun you feel anything at all? where is the long awaited call i've been waiting for? i'm really very sick and tired of waiting... i really love you still but.... if this continue, i really have no choice but to give up... coz.... i can't take it anymore.........
that night you told me how much u wanted to be with me... how deep is your love... all along, i wanted to tell u that.. i actually bore the same feelings... but till now i haven got the chance to... you really leave me wondering do you mean wat u say every minute every day. why can't you jus say it and then show it? alrite, u told me... to wait till u finish ns which is next month exactly, to prove to me wat u said... but can't u at least give me a call? or rather jus answer my calls? i believe that the number of missed calls on your phone for the past week had already hit 200 since i manage to hit 99 on sat... looking at your phone, seeing the number of missed calls, dun you feel anything at all? where is the long awaited call i've been waiting for? i'm really very sick and tired of waiting... i really love you still but.... if this continue, i really have no choice but to give up... coz.... i can't take it anymore.........
"d": i remember mentioning wat i wanted... but then yesterday, you did ur shitty crap again and i'm disappointed. Wat exactly do you wan? to break up? or to continue? you juz wan to drag on and on and on.. telling me how much you love me, you can't bear to part wif me, dun wan to lose me... if this is really wat u mean, pls show it. why do you wan to tell me all these and in the end, show ur attitude? i'm really very tired. pls stop dragging. If you wan us to be together, why can't you juz say it and then we'll each play our part and try to make things as before? if you wan to end the relationship, jus tell me straight. we'll go on our seperate ways. It's jus one simple answer.. and u're making both of us miserable... I'm so sick and tired.
"k": once again, you knew how i felt last nite. you knew it long ago... but why wun you jus speak ur mind? i'm sorry for making you worried. i believe you know wat's goin on... that's y you said those things last nite. I'll do my best...
Myself: my parents hav left for china early this morning. now, i'm all alone at home... feeling kinda restless. last nite, i had an attack again. at the coffee shop. scared "k" and his fren. SOrry.. din mean to.. i also hav no idea why like tat. it was juz so sudden that i felt giddy and all that... anywayz... i know i'm asking for scolding again if i say this.. but.. it's better for me to be frank... i went puffing away last nite. it does help a little... better then non... but i tink... i got addicted or sumwat. coz i'm craving for cigras now... shit. anywayz, there's no cigras at home.. only my dad's gentori.. which i dun like... so... lucky me... i duno how to plan the rest of my day. shld i slp? i dun feel like. i juz tok to "d" juz now.... damn pissed of wif him for being so fickle-minded. i duno whether shld i still go look for him... or juz see wat he wans to do. i dun really wan to bother tat much anymore..... then... there's tutorials to be completed. haiz.. wat..... tutorials... can't i juz burn them away?? haha
"k": once again, you knew how i felt last nite. you knew it long ago... but why wun you jus speak ur mind? i'm sorry for making you worried. i believe you know wat's goin on... that's y you said those things last nite. I'll do my best...
Myself: my parents hav left for china early this morning. now, i'm all alone at home... feeling kinda restless. last nite, i had an attack again. at the coffee shop. scared "k" and his fren. SOrry.. din mean to.. i also hav no idea why like tat. it was juz so sudden that i felt giddy and all that... anywayz... i know i'm asking for scolding again if i say this.. but.. it's better for me to be frank... i went puffing away last nite. it does help a little... better then non... but i tink... i got addicted or sumwat. coz i'm craving for cigras now... shit. anywayz, there's no cigras at home.. only my dad's gentori.. which i dun like... so... lucky me... i duno how to plan the rest of my day. shld i slp? i dun feel like. i juz tok to "d" juz now.... damn pissed of wif him for being so fickle-minded. i duno whether shld i still go look for him... or juz see wat he wans to do. i dun really wan to bother tat much anymore..... then... there's tutorials to be completed. haiz.. wat..... tutorials... can't i juz burn them away?? haha
Saturday, March 06, 2004
I've got so much to say... till i'm almost speechless.. contradicting rite... anywayz, i've been thinking a lot lately. that explains those dark eye rings and eye bags i've got... with so much goin on, i duno how long can i hang on... this post.. i predict would be long... so if u really wana read it, be prepared. if u dun wan, it's alrite... juz let u know that i've uploaded new pics... actually, their not new. all taken last year. but i only got the genting trip pics last night and as forkeke's birthday it because i only got the scanner cum printer cum copier few weeks back...
to all those who really know what's going on: i know the shit i've put myself into, and i ought to be ashame of myself. when i heard comments like "i'm so disappointed in you", "this doesn't reflect gd about urself", "i dun wan to care bout you anymore" etc, it really hurts. it's the facts i know.. of coz, i dun mean you guys hav to support me for doin all these shit.. all i asked for is juz havin friends to be there for me... i dun need any advice. coz i already know wat i want. i juz need you guys to be there... i dun expect you guys to listen to every single story.. juz ur presence will do...
to "d": ever since thurs nite of the mid sem test week till now, i haven really been able to be back my own self. you wanted us to part tat nite and u changed ur mind on fri. even though u changed ur mind, what's been said counld never been left unsaid. the scar's there... even till now and i've already prepared myself for the break up. then on sun nite, the big tragic event happened. i know i was at fault.. i apologised upteen times.. but u were nonchalent about it. and tat was when "k" started to step in. all i wanted at tat time was jus simply to hav someone to tok to... u refuse to answer my calls even after u promised tat u'll call me later. and he was the one who called me... encouraged me tru the nite, refusing to slp simply because he was worried i might do anything silly, cheering me up. on mon, i went to work... still feeling upset.. kept calling you in the morning. talked to u.. i gave u the reason why i did tat... it's exactly the same for y u kept ur 'relationship' wif "E" under cover... u then told me everything's back to normal... how impossible is tat. eaiser said than done. aFter all that i've been tru since thurs nite, i've told myself to hold on to my feelings. that's why i've changed so much.. to such a 'cold' person. Throughout the week, even though i see u... i can't speak. i duno wat to say. meanwhile, "k" was always there to encourage me everytime you left me upset. He showEred me with care and concern and definitely something more than that. but all u were the only person in my mind. lessons resumed on mon... i thought i would juz let sch work bug me off.. but i was wrong. the constant conflicts between us was simply tearing me apart. the whole week was juz so hard to get by. I had to admit that i did went out wif "K". but sumting else is more important: i realised that whenever i'm with you, it is u who filled my mind. and when i'm wif "k" it is also u who filled my mind. right then.... i know wat my heart wans... but watever u said to me... hasn't been put to action.. i really dun wan to wait... i've always been waiting for u to put ur words into action. i duno how long can i last... plus you're goin for the operation soon... and there's no way i can visit you unless there's a miracle. and it's goin to be for 2 weeks... my dear, 2 weeks.. i really duno how.. pls tell me...
to "k": i'm sorry... i know how u feel... but i can't be so unfair to u... you knew that since mon nite... but y.. y did u wan to persist on... i know you can provide for everything i need, every emotional wants for me.. but i can't give u the same of wat i gave to him. you told me that u're so envious of him... there's no need to... i hav lots to tell u.. but i really duno how to put them into words... not forgetting.. the status that u wan... i'm pressurized.. i can't giv them to you.. i can't let u know of everything u wanted to.. i know u're not happy about tat.. all i can say is... i'm really sorry... maybe... you shld juz let me go sort things out first...
eugene: hey... really wana thank you for working with me... you might not know it, but that week was one of the toughest time.. and havin you around as a friend, a walking companion, a collegue is juz so comforting. Thanks for your concern... i know u were worried for me for not being able to eat and slp... but... hey, i'm on my road to recovery.. soon, i'll be alrite...
i'm so tired still...
to all those who really know what's going on: i know the shit i've put myself into, and i ought to be ashame of myself. when i heard comments like "i'm so disappointed in you", "this doesn't reflect gd about urself", "i dun wan to care bout you anymore" etc, it really hurts. it's the facts i know.. of coz, i dun mean you guys hav to support me for doin all these shit.. all i asked for is juz havin friends to be there for me... i dun need any advice. coz i already know wat i want. i juz need you guys to be there... i dun expect you guys to listen to every single story.. juz ur presence will do...
to "d": ever since thurs nite of the mid sem test week till now, i haven really been able to be back my own self. you wanted us to part tat nite and u changed ur mind on fri. even though u changed ur mind, what's been said counld never been left unsaid. the scar's there... even till now and i've already prepared myself for the break up. then on sun nite, the big tragic event happened. i know i was at fault.. i apologised upteen times.. but u were nonchalent about it. and tat was when "k" started to step in. all i wanted at tat time was jus simply to hav someone to tok to... u refuse to answer my calls even after u promised tat u'll call me later. and he was the one who called me... encouraged me tru the nite, refusing to slp simply because he was worried i might do anything silly, cheering me up. on mon, i went to work... still feeling upset.. kept calling you in the morning. talked to u.. i gave u the reason why i did tat... it's exactly the same for y u kept ur 'relationship' wif "E" under cover... u then told me everything's back to normal... how impossible is tat. eaiser said than done. aFter all that i've been tru since thurs nite, i've told myself to hold on to my feelings. that's why i've changed so much.. to such a 'cold' person. Throughout the week, even though i see u... i can't speak. i duno wat to say. meanwhile, "k" was always there to encourage me everytime you left me upset. He showEred me with care and concern and definitely something more than that. but all u were the only person in my mind. lessons resumed on mon... i thought i would juz let sch work bug me off.. but i was wrong. the constant conflicts between us was simply tearing me apart. the whole week was juz so hard to get by. I had to admit that i did went out wif "K". but sumting else is more important: i realised that whenever i'm with you, it is u who filled my mind. and when i'm wif "k" it is also u who filled my mind. right then.... i know wat my heart wans... but watever u said to me... hasn't been put to action.. i really dun wan to wait... i've always been waiting for u to put ur words into action. i duno how long can i last... plus you're goin for the operation soon... and there's no way i can visit you unless there's a miracle. and it's goin to be for 2 weeks... my dear, 2 weeks.. i really duno how.. pls tell me...
to "k": i'm sorry... i know how u feel... but i can't be so unfair to u... you knew that since mon nite... but y.. y did u wan to persist on... i know you can provide for everything i need, every emotional wants for me.. but i can't give u the same of wat i gave to him. you told me that u're so envious of him... there's no need to... i hav lots to tell u.. but i really duno how to put them into words... not forgetting.. the status that u wan... i'm pressurized.. i can't giv them to you.. i can't let u know of everything u wanted to.. i know u're not happy about tat.. all i can say is... i'm really sorry... maybe... you shld juz let me go sort things out first...
eugene: hey... really wana thank you for working with me... you might not know it, but that week was one of the toughest time.. and havin you around as a friend, a walking companion, a collegue is juz so comforting. Thanks for your concern... i know u were worried for me for not being able to eat and slp... but... hey, i'm on my road to recovery.. soon, i'll be alrite...
i'm so tired still...
Wednesday, March 03, 2004
So sorry.. din let u knoW wat time my lesson enDed.. madE u camE all the way down then know tat i got home Already.... really appreciate wat u did.. though u din pick me up.. but wasted peTrOl.... sorRY~!
anywayz.. i'm goin be hoMe AlonE soOn~! well.. i am most of the time anyway.. My parents are flying to chinA.... yes. CHI-NA... for 6 days..... leaving me aLone... haa... not much of a diff actually. but then.. pretty scaRy to bE alone at home eSP at Nite... anybOdy wanA bunk in at my PlacE? haa.... i gOt 2 rOoMs.. enugh to contaIn.... 3 more Ppl.. and one more in my rOom. so.. tat makes up four! i dun Tink anyone Wld... coz. it's the WeEKdaYz.... haiz...
anywayz.. i'm goin be hoMe AlonE soOn~! well.. i am most of the time anyway.. My parents are flying to chinA.... yes. CHI-NA... for 6 days..... leaving me aLone... haa... not much of a diff actually. but then.. pretty scaRy to bE alone at home eSP at Nite... anybOdy wanA bunk in at my PlacE? haa.... i gOt 2 rOoMs.. enugh to contaIn.... 3 more Ppl.. and one more in my rOom. so.. tat makes up four! i dun Tink anyone Wld... coz. it's the WeEKdaYz.... haiz...
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